Inclusive… Until It Isn’t: What Inclusion Should Really Mean in ENM Communities
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DK Apparel is more than just swinger apparel. We also care about educating the ENM community.
First blog post of the year I wanted to hit a heavy topic. Let's dive in!
Now, I preface this as always stating I don’t claim to be an “expert” in any field, nor do I sit here saying my opinion is the only correct one. I’ve been around a long time now running groups and witnessing some amazing and horrible parts of this community as a whole. The following is simply my opinion on this topic.
I want to talk about a word that gets thrown around constantly in ENM spaces: “inclusive.”
It’s on group banners, club rules, event descriptions, and community guidelines.
We love to say we are inclusive.
But the reality is: sometimes the loudest voices preaching “inclusion” are the first ones to judge, shame, or dismiss others the moment their preferences don’t match their own.
I’ve seen so many threads get side tracked over the years when someone states a preference they have for play and get attacked for it. My belief is that providing your preference / fantasy is legally, morally, and ethically sound, than good for you! There is nothing wrong with stating a specific preference for a play partner or traits you are attracted to, providing in the course of that you are not berating or belittling those that don’t fall within your preference.
Inclusion doesn’t mean “Everyone is welcome… as long as they think like me, date like me, look like me, and want the same experiences I do.”
That’s not inclusion. That’s branding.
Real inclusion means accepting that ENM isn’t one mold. It isn’t one relationship style. It isn’t one “approved” set of preferences. It means accepting people regardless of their body type, race, orientation, or identity. Now here is the catch!!!! That does not mean you have to be attracted to, play, or even be friends with everyone. It means showing a basic level of respect to all simply due to the fact that they are human beings and are deserving of love and acceptance.
Some people prefer swinging.
Some prefer polyamory.
Some like casual connections.
Some only want deep, romantic bonds.
Some people are shy.
Some are loud extroverts.
Some like big parties.
Some just want one extra trusted partner.
Some prefer polyamory.
Some like casual connections.
Some only want deep, romantic bonds.
Some people are shy.
Some are loud extroverts.
Some like big parties.
Some just want one extra trusted partner.
All of that is valid.
Where “inclusive” breaks down is when people start saying things like:
“That’s not real ENM.”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
“You shouldn’t feel jealous.”
“You should want this.”
“You shouldn’t want that.”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
“You shouldn’t feel jealous.”
“You should want this.”
“You shouldn’t want that.”
Or when people shame others for things like body type, age, attraction preferences, neurodiversity, disabilities, social awkwardness, or experience level.
You cannot claim to be inclusive while still ranking people as “worthy” or “unworthy” of attention.
Another big one: trying to force beliefs onto others.
You see it when someone says:
“If you were evolved enough, you would feel the way I do.”
“Real ENM means you must get rid of this boundary.”
“You should be okay with this by now.”
“If you were evolved enough, you would feel the way I do.”
“Real ENM means you must get rid of this boundary.”
“You should be okay with this by now.”
No. Consent, comfort, and boundaries are not obstacles to “enlightenment.”
They are healthy.
They are healthy.
Inclusion doesn’t mean pushing people until they give in.
It means respecting when someone says no, or “this isn’t for me,” or “I’m not comfortable with that dynamic.”
It’s also not inclusive to shame people for leaving a situation that doesn’t feel safe or emotionally right. Nobody owes access to their time, body, or emotional availability to prove they are “open-minded.”
Here’s what inclusive actually looks like:
Listening instead of correcting.
Respecting that other adults may live ENM differently than you do.
Allowing preferences without labeling them as moral flaws.
Understanding that someone else’s boundary is not an attack on your identity or lifestyle.
Recognizing that people have different trauma histories, comfort levels, cultures, and needs.
Allowing preferences without labeling them as moral flaws.
Understanding that someone else’s boundary is not an attack on your identity or lifestyle.
Recognizing that people have different trauma histories, comfort levels, cultures, and needs.
And maybe the biggest one:
Admitting that you don’t own the definition of ENM.
Admitting that you don’t own the definition of ENM.
If your version works for you? Great. Live it fully.
But the second you start declaring your path as the path, you move away from inclusion and into control.
But the second you start declaring your path as the path, you move away from inclusion and into control.
We don’t need more people preaching “love and acceptance” while practicing judgment and superiority.
We need communities where conversations can happen without shaming. Where someone can say:
“I’m learning.”
“I don’t understand this yet.”
“I’m not ready for that dynamic.”
“This doesn’t feel right for me.”
“I’m learning.”
“I don’t understand this yet.”
“I’m not ready for that dynamic.”
“This doesn’t feel right for me.”
And instead of being mocked, they’re supported.
Inclusion isn’t a banner. It’s behavior.
It’s how we talk to newcomers.
It’s how we treat people we aren’t attracted to.
It’s how we respond when someone’s boundaries inconvenience us.
It’s how we treat people we aren’t attracted to.
It’s how we respond when someone’s boundaries inconvenience us.
If we truly want ENM communities to be inclusive, it starts with humility. It starts with respecting differences. It starts with the courage to look at ourselves and ask:
“Do my actions actually match the word I’m using?”
Because if they don’t, then “inclusive” is just a slogan — and we can do better than that.
Thanks for reading! My hope is that in 2026, we can all thrive together and make this the best community it has ever been.